My Bloody Valentine and Me

This isn’t going to be my usual kinda blog. Y’see I saw My Bloody Valentine live last week and it was a massive moment for me. Something that has taken nearly 30 years to get to. Let me explain.

Let’s head back to the 90’s for this first bit of the story. I had just been asked to cover a friends DJ spot at his indie night for a few weeks while he went travelling. I agreed without thinking it through. At the time the pub had one of those old Citronix double record decks in one box type units. I had loads of CD’s and zero vinyl. That Saturday I headed into Greenock and visited every charity shop and bought every record I could that looked like it might sound cool enough for a DJ set. In amongst all that was this weird looking record with a pink cover and what looked like a guitar or something on the cover. It was only 25p so I took a shot.

I put off listening to it for a few days because I had no idea what it was. When I eventually got round to playing it for the first time I was convinced the record was warped so only got a couple of minutes in and left it. Then I saw the video for ‘To Here Knows When’ on the TV and realised ahhh that’s how it’s supposed to sound. So, I gave it another listen and to be honest I wasn’t sure at all what I thought. I’d never heard anything like it. I knew for a fact though that I’d be playing ‘Soon’ at the indie night.

Slowly over the next few weeks I listened to the album a few more times. Each time I did, I unlocked another song in my head. Like the album was slowly revealing itself to me. As an avid reader of Melody Maker and NME, I liked to keep my back issues and after reading that Kevin Shields meant for the album to be heard at volume I gave that a try when I had the house to myself one day. That was the key that unlocked it all. I have vivid memories of hearing ‘To Here Knows When’ for the first time. Y’know, really hearing it. That washed out tuneless song suddenly become this textured, all-consuming love song that I couldn’t get out my head. From that day on, I was obsessed.

I knew I had to see them live. I went back to my Melody Makers and read stories of extreme strobe shows and a song called ‘You Made Me Realise’ (which I hadn’t heard yet) that had a section that stretched on for half an hour with intense feedback and the loudest volume of any band on the scene. My heart sank. I have epilepsy and flashing lights were a big trigger for me. There was no way I could see this band that were core to my being live.

That was a story I told myself for years. Every time they came to Scotland to play, all my mates would go and I’d hear stories of them being blown away and subsequently being deaf for days after and I’d always think ‘I wish that was me’.

My epilepsy has been controlled for a great many years now yet all through my life I’ve always had that fear, the ‘what if’ always rattled about my head.

This year MBV announced they were playing Glasgow and without overthinking it, I bought a ticket on day one of the tickets going live. Then my overthinking brain kicked in. What are you doing? You can’t go. You know what’ll happen. Idiot!!!

So, it went in the months leading up to the gig itself. Round after round of beating myself up and self-pity.

The day of the gig came and it struck me that I was the only one who had bought a seated ticket. I was going with the boys from my band and was really regretting not being able to hang out with them at the gig. Arriving at the venue my stomach was in knots. I hoped this was the right decision. I needed a distraction. The merch stall was amazing. Grabbed a tour t shirt and Loveless woolly hat. Bumped into Roddy Woomble from Idlewild. literally. Said ‘Hi Roddy’ like we were old pals. The poor guy just looked totally confused, said nothing and went on his way. Bumped into a few more pals and then time came to go in.

J Mascis was supporting playing an acoustic set. This turned out to be a cracking show and even though he wasn’t playing his electric guitars he still managed to crank up the fuzz a couple of times. What a great distraction for my racing mind. After his set was over my mates came over to say hi and noticed two empty seats directly behind me. They sat down and prayed no one would come with tickets. In truth no one was praying harder than me. Just having my brothers behind me made me feel so much better and I felt myself starting to relax. Then the lights went off.

My heart was beating out my chest now. I felt physically sick. The band took to the stage and I held my breath. The opening drumbeats of ‘I Only Said’ sounded out and then it hit me. Like a wave of joy, washing it all away. The worry, the fear, the years of doubt. I was here. I was actually here!

Song after song I felt it all melt away. They played ‘Honey Power, ‘Cigarette In Your Bed’, ‘Off Your Face’ and ‘Thorn’. All those songs off the EP’s I was obsessed with. I was in heaven. It was the fastest gig I’ve ever been at. Looking back, they played 19 songs but honestly it only felt like minutes. My cheeks were sore with smiling.

When ‘You Made Me Realise’ came I was ready. I wondered how long they would hold the noise section for. Turns out I was in no way ready. The first couple of minutes of that single note being played felt like being stuck face first into a jet engine. It was strangely soothing. Five minutes in though. I started feeling nauseous. All around me people were leaving the hall with their hands over their ears. I was going nowhere though. Couple more minutes passed and I felt amazing. Like this was my new normal. I will just be living inside this hurricane for the rest of my life. I read later that this section peaked at over 120 decibels which is insane.

When the band kicked back in, I almost leapt out of my seat. It was a total rush.

I can honestly say it was a gig and an experience that I will never forget. To hear those songs I heard first all those years ago on that charity shop bought album and my now near complete MBV vinyl collection. To see it live. To be in the company of so many like minded folk, to be with my brothers. That was priceless.

I guess the takeaway from all this is fuck fear. Do that thing you’ve always wanted to do. Even if it scares you shitless. Do it. What’s the worst that can happen. Also My Bloody Valentine remain the greatest band in my world. So, to Kevin, Bilinda, Deb and Colm. Thank you. You made ME realise.